


Kenway’s Nude Portrait

by my_soliloquy_chamber



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:00:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27289060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_soliloquy_chamber/pseuds/my_soliloquy_chamber
Summary: An artist is asked to paint an illicit portrait of Edward Kenway, but decides to have a little fun instead.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	Kenway’s Nude Portrait

* * *

  
“You want me to draw a portrait of Kenway? A nude portrait?”

The girl across the table was smiling brightly, excited. “Yeah, you can do that, right? Draw people like that? They said you could.”

Maven nodded, shrugged. Sure she could, she could draw lots of things, it was just surprising that she was being asked to do it. Especially since Kenway was sitting at the table behind the girl, hearing every word, and looking bemused. “Sure, I can do that, for a fee of course. When can he sit for it?”

The young woman’s face fell into confusion and then alarm. “Sit for it? Oh, no. No no no. He can’t sit for it, it’s a _secret_!”

Maven glanced at Kenway who looked like he couldn’t decide if he should interfere. “How will I draw a nude portrait of Kenway in secret? I don’t know what he looks like.”

The girl looked excited again, smile beaming. “I’ll describe him to you!”

Dumbfounded, she stared at the young woman for a moment, in silence. Then, “You want me to draw a nude portrait of Kenway based on your description? A _secret_ nude portrait, from your description, which you will pay for?”

The girl looked a little confused, her eyes meeting Maven’s skeptical stare. “Well, yeah. You can do that, can’t ya?”

James Kidd moved from his seat by Kenway and plopped down in a chair beside them, a wide grin splitting his face. He wrapped an arm around the young woman’s shoulders, smile so wide it must hurt his cheeks. “Sure she can! And it’s an _excellent_ idea too. _You_ know what he looks like, and _Maven_ here is a talented artist. _Together_ you should be able to create a _magnificent_ work of art that would surely be appreciated by many.”

Behind the woman’s back, Kenway was being restrained by his table mates, a hand clamped over his mouth. Maven realized then that it wasn’t just the young woman who believed an accurate portrait could be made from her mere description, they all thought it was possible. Well, if she was going to waste her time and materials, she was going to make sure she got paid for it, _and_ make sure she had fun doing it.

“Fine, no problem. It’s 20 reales for charcoal, 50 for ink.”

The young woman’s face fell. “20? Oh, I…” 

But Kidd cut in and threw a coin purse on the table. “Don’t you worry, poppet. It’s on me. I always wanted to be a patron of the arts.” The girl looked relieved and she beamed a bright smile at them both.

Maven pulled out an ink pot, a pen, and paper from her satchel and set them on the table. “Right, describe him then, please. And be very detailed.”

Looking suddenly nervous, the girl squirmed in her seat. “Oh, I hardly know where to begin.”

Kidd gave a cheeky wink. “Start at the top and work your way down. That’s what I always do when I’m being detailed about nude bodies.”

The young woman swatted him and giggled. “Well, you already know what the top... I mean the head looks like. So, handsome… that straw colored hair, and those sea blue eyes.”

Behind her, Kenway had been released but seemed resigned to his fate, though the description of him as handsome gave him a smug smirk.

Maven wrote on the paper on the table in front of her and nodded. “Right, yes, I do know what his head looks like. That part is not problematic. Maybe you could describe his shoulders? Chest?”

The girl got a dreamy look on her face and sighed. “It’s really lovely. All covered in muscles.”

“The shoulders or the chest?”

“Both. Muscles all over.”

“Right…” Maven wrote on her paper. “Is there anything else about the shoulders and chest you could describe? Are there tattoos, scars, moles?”

“Mmm, yea, sure. But they’re not important.”

“Not important? Because of the…?”

“The muscles. Yeah…” Another happy, dreamy sigh.

“Ok… Anything else? Arms?”

“Oh, yeah, he has arms. Great arms. Lots of muscles.”

She made another note on her paper, then prompted the girl again. “And? Does he have a stomach, perhaps?”

She giggled and made a face at Kidd like Maven was being ridiculous. “Yes, he has a stomach.”

“Great. And can you describe it?”

“It looks like a stomach. But you know… muscles.”

Another note scratched onto the paper, before Maven gave the girl a deadpan look. “And below the stomach…?”

Kenway sat up a little straighter to listen closely and the sailors around him fell over themselves in silent laughter. The young woman blushed and giggled, flapping her hands. “Oh, you know…” 

“No, I don’t... That’s why you have to describe it for me.”

The girl actually looked scandalized. “I can’t do that!”

Maven sighed, but I was Kidd who spoke. “Not going to be much of a nude portrait of you can give a _detailed description_ of the nudity, will it? It’s alright, it’s _art_ after all.” He winked at Kenway over the girl’s shoulder who scowled back.

“Oh, alright. It’s you know…” Her hands flapped again. “... so, there and all…” more flapping, “... so, um, you know.”

Maven sighed and looked over at Kenway, who was relaxing now, easy smile on his face. Clearly he’d now realized that the description wouldn’t be enough to create anything remotely similar to his own physique.

Maven waited until he took a drink and asked. “Does he have stones?” The girl tilted her head in confusion, hands still flapping slightly. ”Stones? A sack? Berries to go with the…” Maven flapped her hands in imitation of the girl and Kenway choked on his drink.

“Um, yeah, I guess. It’s not important.”

Kenway looked affronted and Kidd bit his lip to keep his laughter at bay. Maven wrote another note on the paper. “Not important, right. Then what? Does he have legs?”

The young woman snorted, “Of course he has legs.”

“Great! What do they look like?”

“I don’t know? He never takes his trousers completely off when he comes to visit. I just get on my...”

“ _Stop_! Don’t you _dare_ say another word. I do _not_ want to know what the two of you get up to. Just.. focus on description. You don’t know if he has legs, you’ve never seen them. Have you seen his feet?”

The woman snorted again and rolled her eyes, “No, like I said he doesn’t take…” she stopped at a hard look from Maven. “I mean, yeah, he probably has feet inside the boots.”

“Alright then. Anything else you want to include in your, um, _detailed_ description?”

“No no, I think that’s everything. Oh! You should have him wear the coat! That blue one, it’s really great.”

“You want him to wear a coat in the nude portrait?” The girl nodded happily. “Alright then. I’m going to need some time to draw this, might take a couple of days. I’ll let you know when I’m done.”

Maven collected her things, putting them back in her satchel, and took her leave. She went home and started the drawing immediately, not wanting to lose the inspiration she had.

* * *

Kenway was seated in the tavern the next day when he saw Maven climbing the stairs and walking up to him. She pulled a piece of paper from her satchel and placed it in front of him. “Kenway. Do yourself a favor and find another lady to visit with from now on, I think that one is a bit cracked.”

Then she disappeared down the steps again and he picked up the paper. She had done the drawing on one side, and her notes were on the other. 

_Kenway’s Nude Portrait_

_Detailed instructions_

_1\. His usual head_

2\. Shoulders and chest covered in mussels

  * Tattoos, scars, moles are present but not important due to the mussels 



3\. Has arms

  * Arms covered in mussels 



4\. Regular stomach 

  * Stomach also covered in mussels 



5\. Crotch area described with flapping, flailing hand motion. 

  * Unclear instruction. Member floppy? Bouncy? Combative? Other?



6\. Scrotum is assumed to be present. Not important.

7\. Unknown if legs, but likely.

8\. Probably feet.

9\. Subject in nude portrait should wear coat.

He turned the paper over and started laughing. Maven had done an excellent drawing of _something_ , but it sure wasn’t him. Though the head was his, that was true, the rest was not.

She had drawn an upper body where every inch of skin was covered in mussels. They thinned out at the stomach, which was a heavy beer belly, and nothing like his own flat, toned stomach. The legs looked to be those of a plucked chicken, and the feet were… yeah, _probably feet_. 

His blue coat was held casually in one hand, the other held a wrinkly, hairy scrotum.

But it was the _crotch area_ that really made him laugh. Instead of a member, there was a small, angry looking octopus, arms curled into several tiny little fists, ready to fight anyone that came near.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I sure am having fun. 😁
> 
> And boy, do I wish I could draw something more complicated than a stick figure.


End file.
